Sunday, March 12, 2017
99.9% of the people one encounters in their lifetime are fake. They put on a pretense so that the people they encounter will like them. Many base their life’s worth on educational credentials, when to be quite honest from what little I’ve read of the holy book that all sanctimonious pricks reference when they are trying to win an argument aren’t you judged based on character and not academic credit to get admitted into those sacred pearly gates? So many out there that make their racist comments and jokes and then pretend as if they think racism is just horrid and they really aren’t a racist themselves. Why, they themselves listen to Beyoncé. That proves they couldn’t be a racist, right? It’s always other people, isn’t it? When someone is a bit strange or eccentric we take comfort in judging them and assuming they are just drug addicts, when in reality nothing could be further from the truth. Some base a person’s worth on holes in their socks or streaks of color in their hair instead of their actual character, and then that judgmental person wonders why karma never seems to work out for them in the end. These same assholes contribute to a culture that always finds some way to blame the victim no matter what the circumstance. If she’s raped and murdered and just happens to be of a lower socioeconomic class than the asshole that thought she was disposable, society will fight to the death to get his good name cleared. If a man or child shot down in cold blood just happens to not be as white as snow, then it’s looked at as more of an oops than an actual crime. These same people take antidepressants and whatever else they can get a doctor to ply them with to alter enough chemicals in their brain to convince them they are happy, but in reality they just make them numb and able to tolerate their miserable existence. People choose to ply themselves with anything they can to drown out their sorrows, be it trying to forget why exactly no one loves them when they make no attempt to be any less of a blight on society than they already are, or for a reason so mundane as to try to get over the fact that they were born to shitty parents. Sometimes you are just born into a shit life, and you can either choose to get over it or spend the rest of your life whining about it to people pretending to give a shit. The circumstances you were born into do not have to define you for the rest of your life. The only person you can ever truly rely on is always the reflection staring back at you in your own mirror.
Friday, March 10, 2017
Thursday, February 16, 2017
They come to lay dominion at my feet with admiration in their eyes.
Though acknowledgement I may give feelings I don’t have.
My heart turned to stone long ago,
The blood flowing through my veins is nothing but dark acid.
Go ahead, sing your hymns.
The lyrics fall upon deaf ears.
Why fear what the future holds when you’re already dead?
Tuesday, January 24, 2017
Hope that a new day will bring joy passed long ago.
Dreams are simply just painful reprisals of memories best left dead.
As the nights yield a perpetual hell of unending sadness,
She arises to yet another day filled with the same apathy.
As the days grow longer her heart grows colder.
She is her own alpha and omega.
She is the darkness and the light.
Thursday, October 6, 2016
The artist’s statement. What is that exactly? It’s where I explain to the masses a little bit about me and what feeling my work is supposed to convey to the viewer, but the reality is you are going to take away whatever feeling you want to take away from it, and knowing my educational level and such are not going to make you know the real me. I don’t know how my work is supposed to make you feel. Is a headless doll in a pretty dress presenting you a flower really any less beautiful than one with its head attached presenting you one? It’s not the norm, certainly, but is it really truly less beautiful? Is the gesture of presenting a flower not as sweet? The one thing I do know is photography allows me to express myself in ways I cannot articulate into words. My medium is my lens. So look at my work and make your own interpretation. It may impress you. It may make you uncomfortable. It is what it is. So is life. Life can be uncomfortable. Life can be suffering. Life can be downright cruel and ugly, and at the same time be beautiful and wondrous. We either choose to see it or we don’t. If someone chooses to be oblivious to the dark elements of life I don’t begrudge them. Good for them. The majority of people are this way and although I once thought this was a frivolous existence I see how they are just as essential to existence as anyone. If you want to be a lemming be one. If you want to believe everything you hear on Fox News good for you. The life you want to see is often an illusion, but if believing that illusion makes you feel good go right ahead. Life is much more comfortable when viewed from a bubble. It’s much easier to not face the truth, to look in the mirror and realize that the reflection looking back at you is the only one that controls your destiny, not your upbringing, not your past, not a bad experience, just you. At the end of the day we’re all animals. The strong devour the weak. We are instinctual creatures, but some choose to ignore what they feel inside to fit in with the status quo. We hold back what we truly feel because of fear of the unknown; we don’t pursue what we want sometimes out of guilt or repression. Our empathy towards others can make us sacrifice ourselves. If you are one of the few people that have managed to see past the illusion, who can take in life with all its goodness and ugliness and not stick your head back in the sand, then you already know that you don’t need a statement to tell you how to feel about my work.
Tuesday, October 4, 2016
Saturday, October 1, 2016
An old weary soul once looked upon a magical moon. Instantly drawn to it she was mesmerized. Its powers captivated her. She loved it from that very moment. The longer she gazed the more she awakened. Her human frailties and insecurities all flooded to the surface. Every memory she had buried resurfaced. Her sins fell away. Her karmic debts were repaid. As the night went on she metamorphosed, Shedding what remnants of her old soul remained. Now she would have vast wisdom for her days remaining on the Earth. The spark that had so long ago been snuffed out began to burn again. Special gifts long dormant reemerged. She aged 1000 years that night. All because she stared into the light. A death and rebirth within a simple harvest. She wished desperately that moon would stay forever. With a heavy heart she realized upon the breaking light of day it would be hers no longer. As much happiness arrived so did a cold darkness. For the path she now walked would be an isolated one. Such knowledge carries with it an eternal unfulfilled weariness. With a heavy heart she began to cry, and her tears turned into a river. This river would be her gift to the world, bearing fruit and bringing light to many, and would provide her solace for her remaining lonely days.
Sunday, May 1, 2016
I met with my best friend this weekend after a couple years not seeing each other. We met in Nashville and had the most phenomenal photo shoot and a wonderful time all around. I met some new people, helped a stranger, and just really had a very refreshing weekend. Sometimes we have to branch outside of our comfort zones to find satisfaction in life. Life really is too short after all.
Saturday, April 2, 2016
I don’t really know where to begin with this so I’ll just start from the beginning of what made me turn to Reiki. I’ve always had a low immune system since childhood. I had what I can basically best describe as a cardiac event in January 2016 where my heart was not getting enough oxygen while out on a walk due to a severe lung obstruction that I did not know I had. This scared me to death understandably and made me realize that if I died today the person I was was not someone I wanted to be. Coinciding with this health event I had recently went through some very difficult emotional challenges that had left me lost and confused internally. I was in a physical and spiritual crisis. I began seeking alternative medicine therapies and stumbled across this strange Japanese healing art called Reiki.
I began searching for Reiki classes near me and found that they were having one on February 20, 2016, which was the weekend coming up. During class we went over the history of Reiki and began joining the instructor for group healings amongst all of us students. On the first student I touched I felt warmth and pulsating going through my hands which was the first time I had experienced that sensation in my life. This was upon grabbing the student by the ankles. The rest of the students I touched I did not feel anything this strongly but further on in my experiences I have learned that the head and the ankles are the regions where I feel the most pulsation and activity in my hands.
After several of these group healings I was given an attunement. I closed my eyes as this felt like the most natural thing to do and she instructed me to hold my hands up in the prayer position. I did and she began. I can’t say that I had angelic visions or voices in my head or symbols or anything. But I did feel slightly off. I knew something had happened from the moment she finished.
I left the class kind of in a daze. I could concentrate on driving and everything but I was just a bit spaced out. I don’t really know an accurate way to describe it. I had an overall feeling of contentment. On my way home I called a woman who is like a second mother to me and wanted to try my new skills out on her. It was about three hours from the time I got to her house after class. I had her lay down and checked her chakras with a pendulum (which is not a requirement of Reiki but it can complement it), opened the two that were closed with a Feng shui ball and began my work. I first placed my hands on her face. She said they were getting really, really warm after a few seconds. I myself started to feel a full feeling in my head. It’s very hard to describe. It was kind of like my foot was asleep but deep inside my head. I went through the full body attunement and she described various sensations from tingling to feeling a bug crawl up her leg. Towards the end when I was at her legs she began to feel extremely hot and we ended the session.
I went home that night to the chiding of my mother’s giggles as she wanted to know how my “hippy class” went and I excitedly told her of my experiences despite her skeptical glare and then took a long bath and went to bed. I slept that night a deep and dreamless sleep. I even double checked my Fitbit to verify. Whereas I usually have a night with occasional restless periods this one was a solid thick blue line.
On Sunday I planned to introduce my mother to Reiki. I had her lay on a massage table that we already had for her physical therapy following a prior surgery and after opening her chakras I began Reiki. I had her describe everything that she felt to me. As my hands reached a temperature that she described as heating pad warmth she began to have sensations, some similar to my second mother the night before, and she said it was very relaxing overall and she felt wonderful after it was done. That night when I went to bed I started the three diamonds self-healing process. Emotionally I have an overall feeling of contentment still. As far as feeling a detox which was described in class that has not yet began.
Monday morning I wake up feeling incredibly grateful, so grateful to my Reiki instructor that I email her with a deep outpouring of gratitude which I don’t normally do to someone I don’t know that well. I decide that I must take the Reiki II class as soon as possible. I have periods where I feel like just bursting into tears to moments of complete Zen. Today I have not desired food. I have to remind myself to eat and I just want healthy food, fruits and veggies, none of the usual junk I like to eat. I have an overwhelming desire to walk, which I haven’t done since my cardiac episode in January but the desire is so strong I decide to try it. I walk a mile with no problems. When my mother arrived home from work I immediately wanted to try another attunement and this time she said it was more relaxing. My hands move instinctually and I find a place on the back of her neck that gives her tremendous comfort in her spine where she often has back pain. I read some more and do the three diamonds when I go to bed.
Tuesday all I want is junk food. Crappy food. Tons of it. In my book it advised not to fight what you were feeling, it was more or less old habits dying out so I just indulged my whims and ate everything I was craving. Emotionally I’m fine. I’ve noticed time is not processing like it normally did prior to attunement. It’s like the day just floats by around me. There’s no more OMG when will it be five o’clock so I am off work type of feeling. It’s like time is inconsequential to my existence at this point. I walk again a mile with no problems, although I do have a profound thought that this will be a lonely existence now that I have this gift. It’s just a thought that passes as quickly as it arrives but it sticks with me. When mother arrives home I immediately want to do another attunement. She is surprised but agrees. She says that her back is not hurting her as badly as it was. I give her an attunement but she does not seem to need it as long as the prior sessions. The rest of my nightly routine consists of reading my book and doing the self-healing technique at bedtime.
Wednesday I don’t desire anymore junk food. I just want healthy food when I can remember to eat (hunger I’m not noticing anymore. I think I could go all day without food at this point) I feel a profound sense of calm overall. I can’t describe it but I know without a doubt that there is something beyond what my physical existence is. It gives me great comfort. When mother gets off work I do an attunement on her which is of much shorter duration as she does not have the sensations as long as the prior session but she still feels wonderful after the session. She says her back and even her knee which is soon to be replaced during surgery are not bothering her as bad and she is sleeping better. Tonight I don’t want to read so I watch a bit of TV and do the self-healing at bedtime and go to bed.
On Thursday something has changed. I had a very vivid dream the previous night that was so detailed and not a bit of it is lost to me. I’m a bit hazy on the opening but when the detailed part starts I have started walking my dog through a subdivision similar to the one I live in now. The dog is going to urinate or dig up a neighbor’s bush and I’m trying to get the dog to stop. This catches the attention of the woman that lives in the house, and she calls me over, seeming rather angry about my dog. I apologize to her and we just start shooting the breeze. She brings me in and I start to talk to her and her husband. All of a sudden they begin talking about how much they loved their old house, how beautiful it was and how tucked away it was, the real estate agent found the hidden gem of a property and they thought that it was just absolutely perfect. The place they pointed to was on the horizon of the subdivision we were in but I couldn’t see it plainly. It was more or less just a hazy misty opening past a wooded area. The couple were obviously at a loss over their dream property which they said had burned to the ground. At some point I am shown pictures of this property. The house was indeed beautiful, located on a lush green meadow like hillside with a pond and woods all around. As I was looking at the photos I noticed the back of the house was right up on a cliff. The beautiful house was sitting precariously on a cliff. I remember thinking in the dream why would anyone want this house on a cliff? At the moment I have this thought the dream shifts.
I am holding a baby. My child. Not either one of my existing children but a new baby. She’s about six months old and looks just like me, down to the expressions. I can still see the details of the pink and white outfit she is wearing. I am holding the baby and looking at her while she looks up at me. I don’t want the baby. I want her gone. It’s not out of malice or hate, I just know that I don’t want this child. My mother is present in the dream now. I tell her I don’t want the baby. I want to give her away. She says I know a doctor who is wanting to adopt a child. How will you tell the children (meaning my existing children)? I tell her I don’t know but I don’t want the child. I do want to see the child as it grows though. Let’s do an open adoption. So mother makes the arrangements to give the child to the doctor and his wife as they cannot have kids of their own. On the day I am to give my baby away I decide I don’t want an open adoption. I never want to see her again. She needs to move on to her new life without any strings to me. She is theirs now, not mine. As soon as I’ve made this decision the alarm wakes me and it’s time to get up.
This dream I thought about all that day. I knew it had meaning. I knew that I was different. I knew that they said you would change within the 21 days after Reiki but after this dream I had no more overwhelming changes. It was like the dream itself was a shift in consciousness.
The Sunday following I received my Reiki II attunement. This time I felt the change when it took place. It’s an indescribable sensation. It was almost like I floated out of my body but I could still tell that I was sitting there. You feel the changes within your soul. Unless you have experienced it you won’t understand but if you ever go through it you will know. During class a few of the students from the first class were there and I was surprised and comforted at the same time to hear that they had almost identical emotional experiences following the first class. I will never regret the decision to become attuned to Reiki and feel honored to have this ability. It has opened me up to a completely different world and I’m now ready to experience aspects of the world I never dreamed I would be interested in.
Tuesday, January 5, 2016
Tuesday, August 18, 2015
I passed by this place and I was struck by the beauty of these two doors. Upon further inspection of the property I noticed a sign that read they were about to tear it down. I just had to catch an image before the beauty of these magnificent doors was lost to a wrecking ball.